I found a slug in my bathroom this morning. It was large and sitting quite comfortably it seemed upon the mat I stand on whilst at the hand basin. I don’t see it as endemic of a larger ‘bug’ issue, but rather as an interloper, just something that moves slowly and got lost. Then again perhaps it was looking for a better life or new opportunities? In the end though it found the inside of my bin and I don’t feel sorry for that, it has some mouldy lettuce to eat, perhaps it may even thrive in this location, though temporary as it is, an oasis from the threats of ‘non-bin’ living. The slug was not why I am writing this though, it just grossed me out, but I digress…
I was talking to a colleague the other day, I say this in an off-hand manner but it’s a new development having colleagues, a nice one at that. I was sitting there discussing how I was still somewhat coming to terms with the fact that I’m in this position to assist others and how it seemed not that long ago that life was very different. In fact, my shrink has often asked me along the journey, well his share of it, what I think has changed from where I have been to where I am currently. It’s a question he asks out of genuine curiosity as rarely are things straight forward when it comes to mental health. I could say ‘lots of things’ or even ‘I’m not really sure’ and I have, but I also know it’s due to some long, very long, way too fcking long to change aspects of my life that I’ve been able to adjust.
Yes, the difficulty of making positive change. Well it’s only positive when it brings about good results, often it seems a punishment for being ‘selfish’ and not doing the ‘right’ things. However you want to define it, I’ve taken steps to change things and it’s paying off. In fact I’m in the process of implementing more changes in an attempt to keep riding this wave of positive transformation and again some of it feels distinctly like punishment for my previous lack of concern about how I may end up. It’s also partly the result of having a depressive mindset, you care little for outcomes or consequences, as seen in my suicidal ideation of recent times past. Add in, if I’m not going to be around, then I have little reason to care about now, tomorrow or next week.
That though is not how I look at things now. I’m concerned about my future, not as in an anxious way (well mot overly so), but rather I’m planning for a more distant future. I want to live a life that brings me a continued sense of meaning, one that contains joy from experiences with family, friends as well as on a more personal level. In some ways I’ve always wanted these things, the difference now though Is that I can actually see some of this occurring add the rest? Well, it is becoming a real possibility and even more than that, I am actively working to make this shit happen.
This slug is finally starting to awaken.