I had an interesting day yesterday. It was the last class for uni, I’m soon to be an accredited Counsellor, which I thought would never occur. It’s probable that this is due to the fact I’d never thought I’d undertake such studies, well partly this, combined with what seemed my increasing inability to secure and complete placement. This placement though is almost complete and in a couple of months once I’ve finished the work with the Western Bulldogs, I’ll no longer be a student. I’ll also be living on my own after TJ Sparkles moves out, we’ve lived together for close to five years now and although we’ve been closer and will remain good friends, things are indeed different. I am now to find my own piece of Ballarat to call home, a smaller and no doubt shittier piece, but it’s a step I take along a future path I’m creating, one I’d not thought I was capable of in only recent times.
New opportunities abound for those able to grasp them. Which is me, I’m able and willing, I just need to keep reminding myself of this fact. ‘Everything will be fine, you know you can do this’. It’s this sort of thing that I keep saying to myself, in my head that is, not out aloud.
Yesterday though I was not so certain about my ability to do anything so bold, well bold for someone like me, others may just call it ‘normal life’. It was a reminder of the precarious nature of the highly medicated individual, I take meds daily, a high dose of antidepressants. I’ve done so for years and rarely do I miss a days dose. But I did yesterday and it was a strange reaction that I had.
It’s my last class at uni, I’m in two minds as to how I feel, ‘I’ve finally done it!’ versus ‘what am I to do now?’ All common thoughts I’d have imagined and despite feeling quite dizzy at times that late afternoon, I was enjoying my last class. I headed to home alone in the ‘Rat and was becoming more concerned about the continued dizziness I was feeling. I unlock the door, take off my jumper and put my hand out to steady myself upon the table. ‘What is going on?’ I wonder if I’ve been bitten by something and as I reach for my evening meds I soon realise what is the cause.
I’ve forgotten to take my medication.
It’s not common that I forget and when I do, I can normally figure it out by how vulnerable I feel. As in I’m feeling raw and exposed, any minute I’ll either start crying or I’ll panic and feel overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom. Yes, it’s never subtle and it’s a reminder of the dangers of sudden withdrawal from such types of medication, it can quite literally lead you to want to take your own life, as you can feel so overwhelmed with these thoughts of being unable to cope. Dizziness though, well I’d not experienced that before.
So I’m relieved I know what’s going on, but unfortunately it’s the end of one symptom and the beginning of another.
It’s some hours later now and I start to feel raw and exposed. I distract myself, I think of better times, I think of jnr, but my heart is racing and I can’t slow down my thoughts. I calmly try and manage these intense periods of discomfort throughout the evening, sometimes successfully and at other times I’m completely on edge. I take my medication hours early, as it’s now 4am and I haven’t slept.
In two hours I feel normal. I sleep briefly then begin my day, this is just another bump in the road, a reminder that things can go downhill quickly. I’m proud of myself for finishing classes for uni and I remain vigilant in my ongoing recovery, with all its twists and turns. I still know that I’m doing better, that I’ll be okay and that I matter. I just need to remind myself of this and to take my medication.