As I age I wonder more about where I’ll end up. It’s a nice change of thought for me as I’d rarely look to the future in times past. The reason why is obvious to me, though perhaps less so to you, it’s due to my thoughts being so entwined with the idea of taking my own life. It’s odd as I begun this I thought ‘write something funny’, I’m guessing this must be the point of the pivot, in some ways it is, though not in the sense of this written piece, but in the story of my life. I finally feel free from the plague of suicidal thoughts, it’s not been long so I don’t really know what the difference in my life will be, apart from thoughts of the future.
So, I’ve now got all this brain power free, I can explore new projects, new ways to improve my days rather than to end them.
Strange weather lately huh?
Yep, I’m bored already. I think, I know, that our thoughts define our reality, so in some ways my devil may care attitude might change as well, I’ll be more concerned about dying as I want to live! Even just writing it seems hollow, ‘yay, he wants to live, give the man a cigar’. Thoughts of being a boring old man now flood my mind, but they end quickly, I’m a boring middle aged man, just one with a slightly interesting back story.
Yes, I can see myself using this to woo the ladies, ‘I said to myself babe, you’ll love this one, it’s either kill myself now or be unhappy forever (pauses for dramatic effect) yeah babe they were some pretty dark days’. The thought of online dating is now something that makes me more prone to dark thoughts as well, is this the only option I have left is it? Sell myself like a chop in the butcher’s window, a bit of parsley behind the ear and I’ll be in the next single mum’s shopping bag wrapped in paper ready for the kitchen table. Okay I was slightly aroused at the prospect of sex on the kitchen table, but that’s not the point, it’s the selling of myself, like meat at a butcher’s shop that worries me.
I guess that’s good in a way though if I think about it, I mean it’s all externals, you can’t know what’s going on inside. What goes on inside a chop? Okay this analogy has fallen apart, what I’m worried about is really that I’ve got to rely on my selling skills. I’ve got to hide the bruises and the fatty edges (gooo chop!) and focus upon what? Can climax when dick is soft? Has a leaky bladder like a piss stained wino? Has been known to shit himself? Frequently vomits when drinks too much as lacks self control? Is obese yet refuses to reduce butter intake? Won’t ask for help when struggling with his depression? Owns no car or real estate and 10 year old son has more savings in the bank?
No, instead this is where my friends interrupt and tell me all the good stuff!
Oh, yes that’s right we’re the friends who choose to withhold feedback from each other, except when asked directly. Ouch!
You like that one?
Yes we’ve all gotten a bit slack at the patting each other on the back thing, but hey some of us are more useless at this than others, so as long as you aren’t bottom of the list it’s not so bad huh? You lousy cnts you. Okay I’m now worried that someone is thinking ‘is he talking about me?’
You know I’m reluctant to post this, as it will offend someone I’m sure ‘that fat cnt never rings me’ or ‘it would be nice if he let someone else talk about their shit for a change’.
Yes, it’s always simpler to look at others than to look at ourselves. I’m not the model, I’m just the medium for making you think about the idea. You may not even care, hey it’s all individual choice, we do what we think is right. I don’t doubt that all of us care about each other, I’m just saying being more vocal is not such a bad thing either.
Actually I’m not really saying anything, as to be honest, it’s not so much an issue for me anyway. I post for the fans!