London vs The Wimmera, who has more bass?

Johnny Farqua Juanoss asks that very question.

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Greetings from somewhere I’m not…

There are some problems.

I think what it’s really about is separation, be it from an event, an experience, a feeling, a person or a place.

The fear that it will pass you by or worse still, that you’ll never get it at all.

You look forward to something so much, that you discount, you ignore the in-between moments of now and what’s to come.

Then it comes and then it goes.

Yet, just like the proverbial ‘Christmas Day’ it all goes too quickly and what you’re left with is torn paper and unfulfilled expectations.

It’s not that you no longer know how to live in the moment, it’s just that the moment never seems to fully arrive.

It’s life without living, it’s the moments you’re left with when you’re alone.

That is the problem when all is said and done, you are alone and you’re missing the moments.

Merry Christmas to you.


The thoughts behind it…

I always find it surprising that what I want to write and what I do write are very different things. I had a small vision of fear, that I was alone after Christmas and felt miserable. The moment passed and I thought I’d write about not missing the good times. It’s so much darker than I was thinking, yet it seemed to encapsulate those terrible times when you don’t quite reach the high you so wanted. It’s all over and you’re feeling worse than before, in fact you wonder what it ever was that you were looking forward to experiencing. It’s the sometimes of my past, it’s certainly not my present.

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New TZ EP… Merry Jesus Day

Just in time for the xmas rush and the end of the free world is TZ’s most political release to date.


1 Dog licking bells
2 Im vulnerable
3 Going to the circus
4 Killers to the end
5 Watch your back



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Final TZ Victorian Chapter 2017 Jam

Okay, let’s confirm the date for the final Jam of the year. JFJ can’t do Dec 2, so what’s preferable for everyone? Enter your preferred dates in the comments section, let’s see what we can sort before Marcus heads north for more of this:

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For sho

As I age I wonder more about where I’ll end up. It’s a nice change of thought for me as I’d rarely look to the future in times past. The reason why is obvious to me, though perhaps less so to you, it’s due to my thoughts being so entwined with the idea of taking my own life. It’s odd as I begun this I thought ‘write something funny’, I’m guessing this must be the point of the pivot, in some ways it is, though not in the sense of this written piece, but in the story of my life. I finally feel free from the plague of suicidal thoughts, it’s not been long so I don’t really know what the difference in my life will be, apart from thoughts of the future.


So, I’ve now got all this brain power free, I can explore new projects, new ways to improve my days rather than to end them.


Strange weather lately huh?


Yep, I’m bored already. I think, I know, that our thoughts define our reality, so in some ways my devil may care attitude might change as well, I’ll be more concerned about dying as I want to live! Even just writing it seems hollow, ‘yay, he wants to live, give the man a cigar’. Thoughts of being a boring old man now flood my mind, but they end quickly, I’m a boring middle aged man, just one with a slightly interesting back story.


Yes, I can see myself using this to woo the ladies, ‘I said to myself babe, you’ll love this one, it’s either kill myself now or be unhappy forever (pauses for dramatic effect) yeah babe they were some pretty dark days’. The thought of online dating is now something that makes me more prone to dark thoughts as well, is this the only option I have left is it? Sell myself like a chop in the butcher’s window, a bit of parsley behind the ear and I’ll be in the next single mum’s shopping bag wrapped in paper ready for the kitchen table. Okay I was slightly aroused at the prospect of sex on the kitchen table, but that’s not the point, it’s the selling of myself, like meat at a butcher’s shop that worries me.


I guess that’s good in a way though if I think about it, I mean it’s all externals, you can’t know what’s going on inside. What goes on inside a chop? Okay this analogy has fallen apart, what I’m worried about is really that I’ve got to rely on my selling skills. I’ve got to hide the bruises and the fatty edges (gooo chop!) and focus upon what? Can climax when dick is soft? Has a leaky bladder like a piss stained wino? Has been known to shit himself? Frequently vomits when drinks too much as lacks self control? Is obese yet refuses to reduce butter intake? Won’t ask for help when struggling with his depression? Owns no car or real estate and 10 year old son has more savings in the bank?


No, instead this is where my friends interrupt and tell me all the good stuff!


Oh, yes that’s right we’re the friends who choose to withhold feedback from each other, except when asked directly. Ouch!


You like that one?


Yes we’ve all gotten a bit slack at the patting each other on the back thing, but hey some of us are more useless at this than others, so as long as you aren’t bottom of the list it’s not so bad huh? You lousy cnts you. Okay I’m now worried that someone is thinking ‘is he talking about me?’


You know I’m reluctant to post this, as it will offend someone I’m sure ‘that fat cnt never rings me’ or ‘it would be nice if he let someone else talk about their shit for a change’.


Yes, it’s always simpler to look at others than to look at ourselves. I’m not the model, I’m just the medium for making you think about the idea. You may not even care, hey it’s all individual choice, we do what we think is right. I don’t doubt that all of us care about each other, I’m just saying being more vocal is not such a bad thing either.

Actually I’m not really saying anything, as to be honest, it’s not so much an issue for me anyway. I post for the fans!

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The bumps in the road…

I had an interesting day yesterday. It was the last class for uni, I’m soon to be an accredited Counsellor, which I thought would never occur. It’s probable that this is due to the fact I’d never thought I’d undertake such studies, well partly this, combined with what seemed my increasing inability to secure and complete placement. This placement though is almost complete and in a couple of months once I’ve finished the work with the Western Bulldogs, I’ll no longer be a student. I’ll also be living on my own after TJ Sparkles moves out, we’ve lived together for close to five years now and although we’ve been closer and will remain good friends, things are indeed different. I am now to find my own piece of Ballarat to call home, a smaller and no doubt shittier piece, but it’s a step I take along a future path I’m creating, one I’d not thought I was capable of in only recent times.

New opportunities abound for those able to grasp them. Which is me, I’m able and willing, I just need to keep reminding myself of this fact. ‘Everything will be fine, you know you can do this’. It’s this sort of thing that I keep saying to myself, in my head that is, not out aloud.

Yesterday though I was not so certain about my ability to do anything so bold, well bold for someone like me, others may just call it ‘normal life’. It was a reminder of the precarious nature of the highly medicated individual, I take meds daily, a high dose of antidepressants. I’ve done so for years and rarely do I miss a days dose. But I did yesterday and it was a strange reaction that I had.

It’s my last class at uni, I’m in two minds as to how I feel, ‘I’ve finally done it!’ versus ‘what am I to do now?’ All common thoughts I’d have imagined and despite feeling quite dizzy at times that late afternoon, I was enjoying my last class. I headed to home alone in the ‘Rat and was becoming more concerned about the continued dizziness I was feeling. I unlock the door, take off my jumper and put my hand out to steady myself upon the table. ‘What is going on?’ I wonder if I’ve been bitten by something and as I reach for my evening meds I soon realise what is the cause.

I’ve forgotten to take my medication.

It’s not common that I forget and when I do, I can normally figure it out by how vulnerable I feel. As in I’m feeling raw and exposed, any minute I’ll either start crying or I’ll panic and feel overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom. Yes, it’s never subtle and it’s a reminder of the dangers of sudden withdrawal from such types of medication, it can quite literally lead you to want to take your own life, as you can feel so overwhelmed with these thoughts of being unable to cope. Dizziness though, well I’d not experienced that before.

So I’m relieved I know what’s going on, but unfortunately it’s the end of one symptom and the beginning of another.

It’s some hours later now and I start to feel raw and exposed. I distract myself, I think of better times, I think of jnr, but my heart is racing and I can’t slow down my thoughts. I calmly try and manage these intense periods of discomfort  throughout the evening, sometimes successfully and at other times I’m completely on edge. I take my medication hours early, as it’s now 4am and I haven’t slept.

In two hours I feel normal. I sleep briefly then begin my day, this is just another bump in the road, a reminder that things can go downhill quickly. I’m proud of myself for finishing classes for uni and I remain vigilant in my ongoing recovery, with all its twists and turns. I still know that I’m doing better, that I’ll be okay and that I matter. I just need to remind myself of this and to take my medication.

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The butter without peanuts

It’s often easy to give in to the belief that things will never change. I’ve been told that belief is what makes our reality, so perhaps I need to believe more and my reality will be as I desire? It seems easier said than done though…


It’s not often, but enough for it to feel as though it’s more.

I can distract myself so as to limit its power, though the wound remains raw.

To be amongst people yet to feel so alone, they’re all rich whilst I remain poor.

I write down my thoughts to get them out, though I then lock them away in a drawer.

I’m alone too much, yet I’ve come so far in spite of this, this is no battle it’s a war.

I fight little, I wait much and hope that one night you’ll appear at my door.

It’s not always to be like this, I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve broken no law.

I wonder how it will change, I listen to learn but I don’t yet write my own score.

The feedback is silent, once filled I’m now emptied, of this darkness I abhor.

I reach out to others, they rarely reach back, instead of a hand I’m given a claw.

So I dig and I scrape, to turn around this cruel fate, I’m like the dog with no paw.

I hobble onward knowing it’s never too late, the highs I can rate, so I rise off the floor.

You’ll come when I least expect, we both will, again and again, this seed is a spore.

It grows, new life, our life and if not, I’ll remain alone, but I won’t wilt, I will roar!

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Parental discretion is advised…

I often reflect upon the interesting times we are living in and who better to assist in these interesting times than the Prof? It was with this in mind that Marcus and I began building upon the idea of an ‘Ask the Prof’ Podcast. We completed three episodes and upon listening to them realised just how offensive they were, it was at times very funny due to this high level of offence, but it also made us realise that we could not in good conscience upload them for public consumption, even if nobody would hear them anyway.

So they are instead up in the cloud in my cloud, under ‘my tracks’ in the folder ‘podcasts’. At some near stage I will give them an edit, but until then enjoy the rough and ready love of the Prof with Marcus as our host Richard Ashcroft and TJ Sparkles as Calvin Klein the sound engineer. I play both the Prof and Midnight Jeeves his faithful valet. They require the volume to be turned way up, just part of our issues on the day, enjoy!

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Dog licking bells

The boys tell a tale of the great times now, and the bad times ahead.

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There is always something to learn…

I had some unexpected contact and it got me thinking of how to better prepare myself for future operations…


Bad ain’t always all bad

It’s rare that when things go badly, that you can see the benefit of the shit flavoured morsel you’re feeding upon. That’s especially the case when you’re the one who’s served up the shit, you’ve literally turned a ‘golden opportunity’ into a mouthful of an exquisitely crafted excrement filled doughnut with a crab infested pube glaze.

In other words you’ve turned a situation in which you could have potentially found many positives, some of those positives you may have actively pursued for some time, into something quite nasty. You have corrupted the occasion, not on purpose, but in some ways it was perhaps inevitable and it leaves you wondering why you thought it was a good idea to not only take a bite, but to deepthroat this turd ring without first thinking of the damage it might cost you internally.

It’s the internal stuff that does the damage of course, on the outside you might be able to brush away the pubes from the corner of your mouth, but those crabs, well they have gone down deep like and are now fcking with you. You wonder why it is that you put yourself at risk, again, it’s like you never learn. Though to be fair you’re older and supposedly you are better able to deal with some of these strong emotions.

But that’s just the thing, you are in fact blinded to some of this stuff, in part as you do feel you are more capable, but perhaps more so as it’s difficult to acknowledge that you have issues that you’ve yet to fully explore, to fully understand and that is what leaves you vulnerable. The only problem though is that quite often we’re oblivious to all of this as it is occurring, you may feel uncomfortable as though something is wrong, even though it appears as though things are going as planned, but instead you are beginning to realise that things are far from okay and you are at a loss to realise quite why and so it ends, maybe badly and you’re left to wonder why.

If only you could wind back the clock. But you can’t.

The ‘if only’ moment is all that you feel you are left with, but that is again far from the case. The unease is what you need to focus upon, as it’s this that is the ‘good’ that you can take from the situation. It is in fact an acknowledgement, a realisation, that there are things within yourself that you have failed to pull apart, to understand, to analyse and to digest. This is an opportunity to know yourself better, to learn something that will perhaps stop you from shitting in your own mouth again.

It’s up to you to spot these moments, or to at least be open to uncovering them when you look back at what went wrong when you had one of these rare ‘golden moments’. As even though it might seem that such occasions are so few and far between, that it ‘wasn’t you it’s was me’ or whatever else it is that you tell yourself, the real rarity is finding an opportunity to correct something within yourself, especially a deficiency that you perhaps didn’t really know existed in the first place.

I don’t claim to have all or any of the answers, but it may just be that shit like this, the failure to acknowledge the reality of a bad situation, is what is actually stopping you from finding that deserved happiness. And with some honest reflection and a bit of adaptation, you will hopefully stop having the accursed breath of one who indulges in excrement flavoured snack foods.

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