Tuesday’s Meanderings…

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared some of the ever present discussions in my head. It helps me gain order, the writing of them that is, hopefully it offers you some light relief at the very least…

 The art of Control

It sometimes feels like things are spinning out of control. In the past things spun quickly, they now move more slowly and I have time to do something about it, to act or to just watch it spin around again and again. I guess this is a sign of me improving, the oft spoken ‘recovery’ is in progress, tracking upwards but forever threatening otherwise.

I have a problem with my online usage. Yes a new issue, but not so new. I’m forever buying stuff from China that I think I need and that I rarely can afford. It’s not large items, more just crap that I can live without, but as it’s cheap I think ‘fck it just buy it’. This combined with me binge reading news sites and looking at crap on YouTube, has seen me forsake sleep, school work and worst of all reading books. Things spinning slowly out of control…

It’s not that they’re massively bad habits or drastic changes in my life, but the reward and comfort I trick myself into believing I’m obtaining, is what frightens me more. ‘I can’t live without this stuff.’ I hear myself lament, but I can, I just don’t choose to, for now at least anyway. I just put it down to my general boredom and increasing levels of free time on my own, but that changes also. Things are again slowly spinning…

Like much of life I go through patches, things change, they evolve, today’s boredom and isolation is replaced by tomorrow’s busy schedule of train trips, meetings and conversations. It’s the swings that trouble me, I’m alone, I’m not alone. Back and forth forever swinging one way or the other, in control for now but for how long?

It would be nice if things had a reliable pattern to them and I guess in some ways life does. It’s just a case of whether the pattern is one you choose or rather one that you’ve allowed to be chosen for you. Perhaps it’s not the spinning that’s the issue but rather my ability to control it. If that’s increasing then maybe I’ve got little to worry about.

That would indeed be a nice thing, but I won’t allow myself to be too comforted by this thought. As if I do, then something will go wrong, my vigilance is what helps me keep control and it’s not something that I wish to ever let slip, not anymore, well maybe just not for now. No fck it, never again, life’s too short to let things get out of control, the slope remains slippery and it’s my ability to keep control that matters.

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Front cover of TZ comix 2

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Brendan’s Story

With all things dark, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel… the new album drops soon.

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Wolf Love (2017 Remaster)

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A life in animation…

Imagine if you could put some of the worst moments of your life in an animated form. Yes well I didn’t but I am apart of a project that has produced some of my darkest hours into animation as an educational tool for others. It’s not stuff that you haven’t heard before, but when it’s set to images it’s somehow even more confronting…enjoy!

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Sneak preview: TZ in Tokyo

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Busker in shibuya

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No shoes

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Tommy is still here

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Some darkness for the new light…

I’d meant to do this track earlier, but better late than never. It seems I can’t add any effects to the track without incurring an annoying beeping noise, not sure what going on, but if anyone can assist I’d be much obliged…

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