TZ Merch

Thrashing Zombies store opening soon. Great new cutting edge rock/streets clothing line. T.Z. Also soon to be available from this site only, genuine Professor Cockington potions, pills, remedies and merkins. Thing Big! Think Cockington!

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Australia genuine Professor Cockington Men’s Products, designed for the larger gent that women love and men envy! When night approaches and the hour turns to love making keep only one thing firmly between your teeth, Professor Cockington! That’s right the professor’s hand crafted range of mens products not only is 100% carbon neutral, but also employs third world labour in an effort to help humanity wherever it may be in need. As I always say; “..If they signed the contract then they are obliged to work. No I dont care if little Chico is coughing blood, he should have never put his head in that bucket of Ultra Semen™. I told him it’s not a toy, that stuff is from my own plums and it’s concentrated. I had to spend a whole month buttering the crumpet to produce that bucket and who’s going to pay for it now? Are you Maria? Are you Sanchez? No, I didn’t think so, and will you bloody stop crying Chico, for gods sake man anybody would think you hadnt seen the lining of a stomach before. I’ve eaten with your family, I know what you people are like. Ok, Ok, I ate out your mother, lets not get precious here Chico, I’m still trying to work out how we are going to fill this months orders. I’m not running a charity here, just a god damn business. For god’s sake man harden up! Anyway moving on, here are this weeks specials….This months specials

28 Responses to TZ Merch

  1. Lily says:

    I love your product professor. You spunk!

  2. ProfCockington says:

    Dearest Lily,
    One cannot be but charmed by your clear thinking and one can only assume marvelous good looks. I have only one further thing to add, yes the rumours are true the power of my man cream cured me of AIDS. Now yes, dont get excited Lily, I had to drink it 3 times a day for more than a year, such commitment almost sent the business bankrupt, but goddamn it Lily, it has cured me. Oh and by the way it has turned me off vanilla milkshakes for life, a man can only drink so much frothy white love tonic without feeling a little queasy in the tum tum. But by far the worst of it was the effects it had on poor Mrs Cockington (now deceased) at the time, she was forever looking at me with those hang dog eyes, as though I had taken her favourite bone. But I made up for it after the year, fair to say I nearly drowned the bitch. Yes I can say that now, as I was cleared of accidental manslaughter, who would of thought you could fill the lungs so quickly?

    Toddle pip!

    Prof

  3. Adrian says:

    Hey Cockington,

    Long time listener Adrian here.

    Just making an equiry about getting a cockington shirt made up:

    Does the shirt have a cock on it…furthermore…..does it show the cock ejaculating?

    I cannot stress this enough that the shirt needs ejaculation of some sort.

    Let me know on cost and delivery.

    Thanks

  4. Dearest Adrian,

    I thank you for your interest in Professor Cockington merchandise, it is obviously due to good breeding that you take interest, as lesser born men have been known to turn up their nose at such wonderous products that hold the Cockington name. As for your request, well yes we can certainly endeavour to create a unique design for yourself, even with an ejaculating penis as you request. However, I must state this quite clearly, that Professor Cockington does not endorse pornographic material worn by children under 18 years. In order to ensure that you are above legal age to be wearing such material, we would require you to send in a certified copy of your licence (feel free to post it on the webpage), once we have confirmed your age we can then work on the design as you have outlined.

    In a creative sense I am thinking black, as it will highlight the ejaculate. Perhaps even a witty slogan such as Professor Cockington says;… ejaculate for world peace, or, your blow helps ease 3rd world debt, or, if you love someone than ejaculate in their face. These are just thoughts off the top of my head mind and obviously for the full design much more effort will be involved.

    So what next?

    Well firstly send us your ID.

    Then once we have checked your details the creative work can begin, obviously once you have sent an initial production payment of AUD$199.

    Thanks again for your enquiry,

    WIth the greatest of esteem and respect,

    Professor Cockington

  5. Adrian says:

    Cocko,

    Wow those designs sound great !

    Im thinking the slogan could be like “Thrashing Zombies blow me away”- with seamen being ejaculated all over the shirt (not real seamen)
    with a bit dripping off the name….

    As I am only 9 years of age I cannot send through ID….(I dont even produce seamen yet….on the bright side I dont have to clean up)

    but am happy for you to make the shirt and give it to me on my 18th birthday?

    Warm regards,

    Adrian

  6. Paul says:

    Cockington,
    I am Adrian’s father. You can only imagine how repulsed I was to find your correspondence with my son last night when I checked his internet history this morning. I am at my wits end with young Adrian..he is totally obsessed with the male genitalia..particularly erect ones. He draws them everywhere and is constantly taking his mothers dildos without permission. Please do not feed his unsavoury addiction by sending him any cock inspired merchandise or I will be seeking legal intervention.
    (P.S. Love your music, and any chance of bringing out a Cockington endorsed dildo range)
    Cheers,
    Paul

  7. Wow, cock party on the horizon, hoodies for all !!

  8. Dear Paul,
    As I made quite clear in my response to your son, I in know way endorse the youth of today consumming pornography, sure this is a legal rather than ethical stance, but let’s not split hairs here, pubic or otherwise. I want to also make it clear that I endorse free speech and if your son can indeed provide the required ID (be it yours with slightly altered face or otherwise), then I have no qualms in producing the said t-shirt in all it’s cum stained glory, for yes it is a glorious sight to behold . I appreciate a father’s concern for their son, but Paul, really, if he has a pre-disposition to male genitalia, then surely the problem is due to you and not your son. I feel embaressed that you hide behind a mere boy and cannot be free about what is obvioulsy a patent inner struggle you are having with your own sexuuality. Let’s not play games, but instead celebrate diversity in all its impure forms.

    But on a more important note, are you also wanting a t-shirt? If so that means the fee is double, not halved. But don’t see it as an expensive item of clothing, but instead a celebration of man’s immortality as highlighted by the elixir that produces life. I think this is a far more meaningful way to view your investment as a Cockington original is not just for Christmas (or a belated Father’s day gift) but for life Sir, yes for life.

    With the greatest of esteem and rigidiyty of purpose,

    Professor Cockington

    P.S. Adrian, if you are after sexually explicit material on the internet, do what every other kid does, lie about your age and steal your dad’s credit card. Get it sorted for future endeavours. This in no way should be considered advice, it is more a statement of principle.

  9. Paul says:

    Cockington you bastard…you should call yourself Kony-ton you fucking child thief.
    You have broken a special bond between father and cock loving child..you fuelled an argument that went for days.
    Adrian has now left home to pursue what he calls ‘a cock worshipping’ lifestyle, and apparently you are his God.
    Yours Sincerely,
    Paul.
    P.S. Really like your music guys…rock on

  10. Adrian says:

    8——D

    woooooooooooooo

  11. Dearest Paul,

    I am indeed troubled to hear of your child leaving home at such a tender age, yes tender. It was certainly not my intention to fuel a rift between you and your son, but I can only assume that my intervention has unearthed some long held desires, rather than a simple man-crush. However, I am not one to cast aspersions (well not this evening) and am instead hoping to build some foundations for you and your son to build upon. Yes a Cockington Statement on parenting, normally I would charge for such a fee, but in this case I feel somewhat responsible (though not in a legal sense, more morally).

    Point 1. Be honest with your child on all things concerning his mother.
    Yes, this is a good one to start with, as possibly she was a whore, a relative or both. So keep the father-son bound strong by tearing down the mother-son bond instead.

    Point 2. Never allow another man to film your child for their film classes.
    Yes, I almost landed myself in jail over this one, never trust a Belgian, they can’t even choose a language let alone a sexuality.

    Point 3. Teach your child to appreciate their assets, but within reason.
    Nobody likes a smart arse and a show off, but then nobody likes a loser, so find the middle ground.

    I could keep going on the 12 point plan to parenting success, but my publisher is finding it difficult to justify my retaining fee when I am not earning from the dissemination of my ideas, so I shall stop here.

    It is really this third point where you may have inadvertently failed your child. It is important to love thy member, but not another’s, just thine own is fine. It seems to me Paul that your rightful son and heir may well be of the lesser persuasion, no not female, yes the other. I hope for your sake and for that of us all, that you make peace with young Adrian and help him through this troubled time.

    On another note, I am indeed thrilled and honoured to count on you as a fan Paul, the more right minded individuals who support our cause, well the greater this world will become. It makes sense does it not?

    P.S. Adrian, I fear that you will not be able to access this due to your homeless state, but if you have managed to snaffle a sugar daddy (of Belgian persuasion naturally) then do the sensible thing and come back to papa, he misses you dearly and has some important things to tell you about your mother.

    Toodle pip!

    Professor Cockington.

  12. Adrian says:

    Cockstick my friend, long time no cock.

    I have now reached full adult hood and would like to further discuss my shirt.

    So if I could get all the present and past band members to violently bukakke it I am willing to pay between $17-$19.50

    Let me know…

    Cheers

  13. Paul says:

    Cockington,
    I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my little Adrian go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

  14. Professor Cockington says:

    Dearest Adrian,
    I am indeed glad to hear you have become of age and it would seem that you are now no longer homeless, something also to celebrate. That said you might just be using the free Wi-Fi at Macca’s, not a place I frequent myself but I am aware of its existence (in fact I had a short lived contract to supply their hair nets, all was going well until the subject of materials was raised. I’d stated they were all natural and they were, I just didn’t specify they were made from pubic hair), so perhaps your situation is not as developed as I’d postulated, then again who really cares? Other than your father and yourself of course.
    So Adrian, it’s a T-shirt your after? One complete with copious quantities of man foam from current and former members of the band? Well I’m not one to disappoint but in your case I’ll make an exception as I have little desire to follow through with your rather depraved request. I’m thinking that you are indeed living on the streets or are at least not far from it if this request is anything to go by.
    My advice is to save some of your ‘professional services’ money and spruce yourself up in the hope of finding a better quality ‘client’. The extra money you could use to clean yourself and your perverted mind. I appreciate the request, in a general sense as who wouldn’t want TZ merchandise? But the additional ‘toppings’ takes this request just one step too far, if you’re confused just have a chat with your dad, he might just surprise you with his answer, then again he might just tell you to go get fcked, your call I guess.

    With clean hands and a cooling heart,

    Professor Cockington.

  15. Professor Cockington says:

    Dear Paul,

    Why are you now disavowing our correspondence? We have spoken before, though not for some time and I have made my position clear in relation to the deep personal sense of tragedy I feel for the crumbling relationship you have with your son. Do I know of it personally? Well no I don’t. I can only make assumptions from the correspondence both of you have had with myself over this site. I believe I have in my own small way, tried to heal this rift between you and your son, though it appears you do not share this view which aggrieves me greatly.

    So here we are, you under the mistaken impression that I somehow am holding your son for ransom, you making threats of harm to my good self and me wondering what I have done to deserve such disrespect, for disrespect it is Paul, as I have done little to warrant such threats. That said, I understand the passions that run deep within a man’s breast, as a father shares a sacred bond with their son, something that I hold with the numerous bastard children I have spawned. So I can let these threats go by with little malice held, as long as you are willing to take some responsibility yourself for the discord that is only too evident in the relationship with your son. At a certain time we must stop blaming others Paul and look at ourselves to find the answers, as hard as this may be. I hope that you can continue to support TZ and that you can continue to count on my assistance via this forum if required.

    As a final point Paul I would remind you to not feel it necessary to resort to threats, when push comes to shove all that is left is broken dreams and broken teeth and I think neither of us would wish that to occur.

    With a renewed since of vigour and a heart all a quiver,

    Professor Cockington.

  16. Paul says:

    Thanks for the response Prof, …..give me a f**king T-shirt and we’ll call it even?
    P.S. I took your advice and broke all Adrian’s teeth. I also gave him a ‘daddy emema’ which was a bit of a laugh as well.
    Toot-a-loo!

  17. Professor Cockington says:

    Dearest Paul,
    My apologies for my belated response, I’ve been away you see, in the Caribbean. When one returns from these friendly shores time seems to melt away, hence the lateness of this reply.
    Now Paul I’m somewhat concerned here, you say you’ve beaten Adrian as I’d advised, yet I think you’ll find I’ve done no such thing. It’s important Paul to take responsibility for one’s own actions, hence why I have a gynaecologist on my staff, one never knows when a sterilised coat hangar may be required.

    As for the T-shirt, well again I’ve explained that no such man foam design will be created, however if you are desirous of a Thrashing Zombies T-shirt that celebrates the glory of our music, well then I am sure some arrangement can be found to suit both parties, the mind truly boggles at the thought of what this may entail.

    With a breath of mint and shades with a tint,

    Professor Cockington.

  18. Paul says:

    Hey Cockington….my apologies, I did indeed misread your advise. I got all excited and smashed in Adrian’s face before I finished reading….. missed that little chestnut, “neither of us would wish that to occur”….. ha-ha!…my bad!
    So anyway…did any arse-pirates bury their cutlass’ in your booty whilst you were in the Caribbean?….R-R !!
    Cheers,
    Paul

  19. Professor Cockington says:

    Dearest Paul,
    It’s heartening to hear that your finally able to take responsibility for your actions regarding Adrian, though that said I’m slightly concerned that your violent tendencies may lead you down paths that your unwilling to travel. Now certainly violence has its place, but upon one’s child? Well that’s certainly nothing to boast about, we can all hurt our children, but our words are often more powerful. Telling them them that they aren’t of our seed or that they are not loved is one thing, but often it’s the interference of others that holds greater potential to inflict damage, for instance; ‘dad don’t touch me there, that’s only for Arkela!’, yes be prepared indeed, but how can you sleep peacefully knowing that another has beaten you to there punch?
    I only hope Paul that the path upon which you’ve tread does not result upon your own downfall, as others have said, the children are our future, though only if they live long enough to experience it or that they don’t take their own lives due to the actions of others.

    With a collie and melon and a belly that’s a’swellin

    Professor Cockington.

  20. Paul says:

    ….so are you sending me a T-shirt or what?

  21. Professor Cockington says:

    Dearest Paul,

    I am indeed prepared to send you a Thrashing Zombies T-shirt, simply send your; sizing information, address and PayPal email (aka account number) to 29e0ea89@opayq.com , yes this is a genuine email, at TZ we take our privacy seriously, as we do yours. I will then invoice you for the cost of production only, no profit is to be gained from you Paul, that’s a Cockington Guarantee™.

    As always Paul I’m grateful for your interest and passion.

    With a thirst for knowledge that rhymes not with porridge

    Professor Cockington.

  22. Paul says:

    If I dress Adrian up like Jack Sparrow and let you have your way with him for 1/2 an hour, can I have free one?…I’m a medium (but extra large down below if you know what I mean…nudge-nudge-wink-wink)

  23. Professor Cockington says:

    Dearest Paul,
    It seems that yet again you are determined to test my resolve. I have no interest in molesting your son and your offers to ‘pimp’ him like some Market St floozy is perhaps a sign of your crumbling moral state.
    I am not one to fornicate with members of my own sex, let alone a child. The desire to spend time in prison solely to provide you with a free T-shirt, is no temptation and you Sir are entering into dangerous territory.
    Certainly I may sing about rape and murder but it has a context, one both intensely personal and tragic. I hope Paul that for you, this cry for help is answered soon. As Paul, I fear that if you follow this current course of action, it may well not lead you to happiness and fulfillment.

    With the body of hog and a cock like a log,

    Professor Cockington

  24. Paul says:

    Hello again,
    It’s all cool dude….Adrian is 48 years old (unfortunately he did a lot of drugs in the 90’s and he now has the mentality of a retarded parrot).
    I’ll be honest with you….both Adrian and I are shocked to hear about your sexual orientation. In our defence, I think most would assume someone that goes by the name of Professor Cockington and visits the Carribbean could be anything other than a raving arse bandit.
    I truly apologise for the misunderstanding….give us a shout if you every want to cum out of the closet.
    PS…So how about that free T-shirt? (and in return, I’ll delete that photo of you and those 3 well hung dark gentlemen that you sent Adrian a few weeks ago)
    xx

  25. Professor Cockington says:

    Dearest Paul,

    How can I not but laugh at your playfulness and charm in this most amusing of misunderstandings? Certainly at times one, naturally, feels shocked and saddened by an accusation or belief held by another in regards to one’s self. It is not I though Paul, who sits in judgement of others, indeed I feel diversity should be celebrated. I congratulate you on your bravery in declaring your own sexual proclivities, in this modern world others can judge quickly, anonymously and often harshly and your actions show real strength Paul.

    You state though that having the Cockington name infers a particular type of sexual orientation, I’m not sure how one’s name influences one’s desires though Paul, it’s an interesting theory. I wonder if I was say a gentleman with the name of Baker, would I then perhaps fck pies? The possibilities are endless Paul.

    As for the pictures, well again it seems that somehow you feel I am to be judged on issues that are somehow offensive to others, I cannot agree with your assertions, in fact I say post away, I am not one to hide and decry foul play on your behalf. I believe that in life ones actions form a picture of who we are and what we wish to achieve. I do not live a life bordered with shame and regret Paul, I hope that you too have that same freedom.

    There is no free T-shirt Paul, I’ve outlined the method in which one can be acquired. I admit that your correspondence alone makes you worthy of such an item, but I am not one who gives freely, well not when it is not right and just. We all are responsible for trying to alieve the suffering of others Paul, I feel this strongly. I acknowledge the strength you have shown Paul and commend you for it, but I will not reward you for it, I cannot.

    The ability to know one’s desires and to heed their call is indeed a noble thing. I wish you well in your endeavours Paul and hope that in some small way that I have been of help.

    With a loving for cream that could not be foreseen,

    Professor Cockington

  26. Paul says:

    Can I have a stubby holder then?….with a picture of you dressed a Jack Sparrow fcking a pie

  27. Professor Cockington says:

    Dearest Paul,
    Now one can’t be seen to break the rules just as you enjoy a good pie fcking. That said as I am one opf the rule makers I guess I can, but I won’t, well not as yet.

    With a fondness for mines that are forever not yours,
    And like an expression of fines, that are not from a whore.

    Professor Cockington.

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