Thrashing Zombies store opening soon. Great new cutting edge rock/streets clothing line. T.Z. Also soon to be available from this site only, genuine Professor Cockington potions, pills, remedies and merkins. Thing Big! Think Cockington!
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Australia genuine Professor Cockington Men’s Products, designed for the larger gent that women love and men envy! When night approaches and the hour turns to love making keep only one thing firmly between your teeth, Professor Cockington! That’s right the professor’s hand crafted range of mens products not only is 100% carbon neutral, but also employs third world labour in an effort to help humanity wherever it may be in need. As I always say; “..If they signed the contract then they are obliged to work. No I dont care if little Chico is coughing blood, he should have never put his head in that bucket of Ultra Semen™. I told him it’s not a toy, that stuff is from my own plums and it’s concentrated. I had to spend a whole month buttering the crumpet to produce that bucket and who’s going to pay for it now? Are you Maria? Are you Sanchez? No, I didn’t think so, and will you bloody stop crying Chico, for gods sake man anybody would think you hadnt seen the lining of a stomach before. I’ve eaten with your family, I know what you people are like. Ok, Ok, I ate out your mother, lets not get precious here Chico, I’m still trying to work out how we are going to fill this months orders. I’m not running a charity here, just a god damn business. For god’s sake man harden up! Anyway moving on, here are this weeks specials….
I love your product professor. You spunk!
Dearest Lily,
One cannot be but charmed by your clear thinking and one can only assume marvelous good looks. I have only one further thing to add, yes the rumours are true the power of my man cream cured me of AIDS. Now yes, dont get excited Lily, I had to drink it 3 times a day for more than a year, such commitment almost sent the business bankrupt, but goddamn it Lily, it has cured me. Oh and by the way it has turned me off vanilla milkshakes for life, a man can only drink so much frothy white love tonic without feeling a little queasy in the tum tum. But by far the worst of it was the effects it had on poor Mrs Cockington (now deceased) at the time, she was forever looking at me with those hang dog eyes, as though I had taken her favourite bone. But I made up for it after the year, fair to say I nearly drowned the bitch. Yes I can say that now, as I was cleared of accidental manslaughter, who would of thought you could fill the lungs so quickly?
Toddle pip!
Prof
Hey Cockington,
Long time listener Adrian here.
Just making an equiry about getting a cockington shirt made up:
Does the shirt have a cock on it…furthermore…..does it show the cock ejaculating?
I cannot stress this enough that the shirt needs ejaculation of some sort.
Let me know on cost and delivery.
Thanks
Dearest Adrian,
I thank you for your interest in Professor Cockington merchandise, it is obviously due to good breeding that you take interest, as lesser born men have been known to turn up their nose at such wonderous products that hold the Cockington name. As for your request, well yes we can certainly endeavour to create a unique design for yourself, even with an ejaculating penis as you request. However, I must state this quite clearly, that Professor Cockington does not endorse pornographic material worn by children under 18 years. In order to ensure that you are above legal age to be wearing such material, we would require you to send in a certified copy of your licence (feel free to post it on the webpage), once we have confirmed your age we can then work on the design as you have outlined.
In a creative sense I am thinking black, as it will highlight the ejaculate. Perhaps even a witty slogan such as Professor Cockington says;… ejaculate for world peace, or, your blow helps ease 3rd world debt, or, if you love someone than ejaculate in their face. These are just thoughts off the top of my head mind and obviously for the full design much more effort will be involved.
So what next?
Well firstly send us your ID.
Then once we have checked your details the creative work can begin, obviously once you have sent an initial production payment of AUD$199.
Thanks again for your enquiry,
WIth the greatest of esteem and respect,
Professor Cockington
Cocko,
Wow those designs sound great !
Im thinking the slogan could be like “Thrashing Zombies blow me away”- with seamen being ejaculated all over the shirt (not real seamen)
with a bit dripping off the name….
As I am only 9 years of age I cannot send through ID….(I dont even produce seamen yet….on the bright side I dont have to clean up)
but am happy for you to make the shirt and give it to me on my 18th birthday?
Warm regards,
Adrian
Cockington,
I am Adrian’s father. You can only imagine how repulsed I was to find your correspondence with my son last night when I checked his internet history this morning. I am at my wits end with young Adrian..he is totally obsessed with the male genitalia..particularly erect ones. He draws them everywhere and is constantly taking his mothers dildos without permission. Please do not feed his unsavoury addiction by sending him any cock inspired merchandise or I will be seeking legal intervention.
(P.S. Love your music, and any chance of bringing out a Cockington endorsed dildo range)
Cheers,
Paul
Wow, cock party on the horizon, hoodies for all !!
Dear Paul,
As I made quite clear in my response to your son, I in know way endorse the youth of today consumming pornography, sure this is a legal rather than ethical stance, but let’s not split hairs here, pubic or otherwise. I want to also make it clear that I endorse free speech and if your son can indeed provide the required ID (be it yours with slightly altered face or otherwise), then I have no qualms in producing the said t-shirt in all it’s cum stained glory, for yes it is a glorious sight to behold . I appreciate a father’s concern for their son, but Paul, really, if he has a pre-disposition to male genitalia, then surely the problem is due to you and not your son. I feel embaressed that you hide behind a mere boy and cannot be free about what is obvioulsy a patent inner struggle you are having with your own sexuuality. Let’s not play games, but instead celebrate diversity in all its impure forms.
But on a more important note, are you also wanting a t-shirt? If so that means the fee is double, not halved. But don’t see it as an expensive item of clothing, but instead a celebration of man’s immortality as highlighted by the elixir that produces life. I think this is a far more meaningful way to view your investment as a Cockington original is not just for Christmas (or a belated Father’s day gift) but for life Sir, yes for life.
With the greatest of esteem and rigidiyty of purpose,
Professor Cockington
P.S. Adrian, if you are after sexually explicit material on the internet, do what every other kid does, lie about your age and steal your dad’s credit card. Get it sorted for future endeavours. This in no way should be considered advice, it is more a statement of principle.
Cockington you bastard…you should call yourself Kony-ton you fucking child thief.
You have broken a special bond between father and cock loving child..you fuelled an argument that went for days.
Adrian has now left home to pursue what he calls ‘a cock worshipping’ lifestyle, and apparently you are his God.
Yours Sincerely,
Paul.
P.S. Really like your music guys…rock on
8——D
woooooooooooooo
Dearest Paul,
I am indeed troubled to hear of your child leaving home at such a tender age, yes tender. It was certainly not my intention to fuel a rift between you and your son, but I can only assume that my intervention has unearthed some long held desires, rather than a simple man-crush. However, I am not one to cast aspersions (well not this evening) and am instead hoping to build some foundations for you and your son to build upon. Yes a Cockington Statement on parenting, normally I would charge for such a fee, but in this case I feel somewhat responsible (though not in a legal sense, more morally).
Point 1. Be honest with your child on all things concerning his mother.
Yes, this is a good one to start with, as possibly she was a whore, a relative or both. So keep the father-son bound strong by tearing down the mother-son bond instead.
Point 2. Never allow another man to film your child for their film classes.
Yes, I almost landed myself in jail over this one, never trust a Belgian, they can’t even choose a language let alone a sexuality.
Point 3. Teach your child to appreciate their assets, but within reason.
Nobody likes a smart arse and a show off, but then nobody likes a loser, so find the middle ground.
I could keep going on the 12 point plan to parenting success, but my publisher is finding it difficult to justify my retaining fee when I am not earning from the dissemination of my ideas, so I shall stop here.
It is really this third point where you may have inadvertently failed your child. It is important to love thy member, but not another’s, just thine own is fine. It seems to me Paul that your rightful son and heir may well be of the lesser persuasion, no not female, yes the other. I hope for your sake and for that of us all, that you make peace with young Adrian and help him through this troubled time.
On another note, I am indeed thrilled and honoured to count on you as a fan Paul, the more right minded individuals who support our cause, well the greater this world will become. It makes sense does it not?
P.S. Adrian, I fear that you will not be able to access this due to your homeless state, but if you have managed to snaffle a sugar daddy (of Belgian persuasion naturally) then do the sensible thing and come back to papa, he misses you dearly and has some important things to tell you about your mother.
Toodle pip!
Professor Cockington.